Loving My Lonely

What’s Alive in you right now?

Before you read any further, I wonder if you could take a few breaths to name what’s alive in you….

Here’s the catch: Most of us aren’t trained to answer this question honestly….authentically.

It’s been an interesting journey for me to connect with whatever is alive in me that day without mixing it with evaluation. We are trained to judge. To have an opinion. To name in polarities. But judgments and opinions are parts of the mind. When we are trying to understand ourselves mentally, we are not truly present. We are sitting in the analysis of our experience, but we are not with our experience.

So many times, I’d ask someone ‘what happened?’ in a coaching session, and they would name all that didn’t happen. In a sense, they describe what happened that they didn’t appreciate.

If you try to answer “What’s alive right now?” from your heart space – a deeper truth comes out. It’s often beyond words. Because we don’t have the literacy needed to express that experience accurately. Words most of the time carry an evaluation.

That is one of the reasons why at Inner Labs, we ask leaders to draw out a response to that question.

We ask about what is present, not what is wrong with it. Sometimes, when someone shares their drawing, they say: “I am still making sense of it”. What I hear in that is the resistance to the mind evaluation of the full experience.

Afraid of Lonely

I went on a journey exploring ‘What’s alive in me right now’ a few years ago.

The answer to that question, most days was “Loneliness”. That response brought me tears. I feel alone. I am alone. It is lonely and that’s a scary place.

“Stop crying. Go and do something.” The voice of my dad over me as a little girl would come through. Even though I was now in my 30s.

And I would. I would do things out of loneliness. Out of the fear of loneliness. I got pretty busy. And I was proud of it. You know that kind of honour badge that most of us carry when we get asked to do something and we say: “I can’t I am too busy”?

I was afraid of my Lonely for a very long time. I created my version of armour against Lonely through the years. I ran away from Lonely by going to new places and meeting new people. Seeking connection driven by that fear – which, truthfully, is more like seeking validation rather than connection.

When we actively move away from what we don’t want, rather than moving towards what we do want, then we carry the energy of the fear with us. When I took a moment to reflect, I was surrounded by people, but I didn’t feel like I belonged, which just made me feel lonelier. Now rather than being lonely in my aloneness, I was lonely in the presence of company. Loneliness feeds itself. Feeling lonely led me to think that I am not likeable. The more I felt it, the harder it was to show my true self and to create meaningful relationships.

Meeting Lonely

Until one day that question landed differently:“What’s alive right now?”

Hm… I am feeling so much, it’s a mix of things… there is that same sense of Lonely.

“Hi, Lonely. Let me sit here with you.”

Here I was. With Lonely. And there was nothing more human than what I felt. I started to see Lonely as a friend, rather than an enemy. It was a new feeling. But there was a feeling inside the feeling - a deep need for a genuine human connection.

I was giving Lonely what it needed all along – the precious gift of my presence. So that it could move through me.

I was simply looking at Lonely. Not with fear that I’d be judged, wrong, bad, or unlikeable. Not through the eyes of “what others will think of me if they find out?” Just simply looking and observing. And it wasn’t scary. It was an empathetic and compassionate moment.

“It’s ok Lonely. Here I am. Nothing to do. Nowhere to be.”

This capacity to feel things is what makes life beautiful. Real. In a way, I felt gratitude just because I am able to feel - the dark, scary places and the light, loving places. Why create numbness by running away and getting busy because I evaluate whatever is present as “wrong”?

Loving Lonely

Sitting with that feeling of Lonely wasn’t an overnight experience, but when I gave it time, it was a profound experience for me. Tapping into my Lonely allowed me to understand myself better. I found one more part to love.

Lonely is a part of my human experience, it comes and goes. I am no longer afraid of it. More than that, I learned to love my Lonely. Now Lonely is a helpful voice; it helps me to make choices in a new way. “I feel lonely” is my indicator that I haven’t nourished all the parts of me that I need to. This understanding helps me to build an intentional space for reflection and connection. It helps me to know when it’s time to engage and when it’s time to sit in silence.

It’s from this place that I feel more connected to myself than I ever have.

Now I can go and meet others. Seek what’s alive in them more deeply than I was able to before. We can only meet another as deep as we’ve met ourselves.

I Love my Lonely. And all it took was to see it, feel it, name it, and sit with it for long enough that I could realize I am not defined by it. But it is a part of me, and I get to love that part of me too.