The Stress Cycle - And How to Complete It
The phone rang.
I hesitated. I’d just completed an intense morning event with a client and was prepping for an afternoon session with another client. I didn’t really have time to take the call, but I felt the instinct to answer anyway.
“Hello, this is Renee.”
“Hi! Do you have a quick five minutes? I have exciting and important news.”
“Hi, it’s really nice to hear your voice. Yes, I do, but honestly, just five.”
Thank goodness I answered and said “yes” because she went on to share some fantastic news I’d been waiting to hear for months. We were coming to a critical crossroads and needed the breakthrough she called to share. I slowly comprehended her words, and had to confirm that I understood her, “So are you really saying that…??”
“Yes that’s right!” she responded, bright with excitement.
Then, somewhat robotically and through a fog, I expressed my pleasure, without actually feeling much of anything. When we hung up, I mentally shelved the news for the moment and completed the day’s work.
Later in the middle of the night, I woke up, went downstairs to the couch, and sobbed.
I cried for two hours, releasing all the pent-up stress and worry collected over months of waiting, believing, getting to the eleventh hour, and still holding onto hope. As I write those words now, tears still come to my eyes.
The next day I shared the news with a close colleague and cried some more. And later that evening speaking with a couple of dear girlfriends, I shared and cried a little more. By the end of the day, my tears were mostly complete (other than the residual I still feel today) and gratefully, the next day I could feel the joy of the news and truly celebrate. My energy shifted, and I’ve moved forward with energy, anticipation, and fulfillment.
Completing the Stress Cycle
I experienced what Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski write about in their book, “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.” I am in no way unique, nor is my situation extreme. Many are suffering under much more severe stressors. But stress is not a competition, is it?! And there’s no need to compare our stressors or our levels of stress which universally manifest in emotional exhaustion, numbness, and a sense of futility. Instead, most of us share some version of this painful human experience with multiple stressors in our lives and compounding stress responses.
We are, in short, a hot mess. But we can adopt new collective and individual practices that will help process all this stress and lead to greater well-being. And by we, I mean “we” - as in collectively, altogether, not trying to go it alone.
The Nagoski’s say this, “The cure for burnout cannot be self-care. It has to be all of us caring for each other. Self-care requires a bubble of protection of others who value your well-being at least as highly as you do.” Self-care is is a misnomer because we aren’t meant to slog along and take care of ourselves in isolation, especially when we are strugging. Self-care is meant to be practiced in community.
I am my own object lesson.
Now the irony of the “good news” breakthrough moment I described is that I had just that week taught an interactive workshop on stress and burnout. And here I was embodying the full experience in living color, with lots of puffy eyes, snot, and tears!
The months of anxious waiting had been traumatic and sent me into the “tunnel” of stress as the Nagoskis describe it. When the good news came, I was still in the tunnel, unable to really feel or enjoy the breakthrough moment. I was still like a compressed spring with the tension held inside me.
Three things helped me to process those pent-up emotions, to move through the stress tunnel, to communicate to my body that I was safe, and to come out the other side: Crying, Affection, and Positive Social Connection. I had three good bouts of truly ugly crying over that 24 hour period. I enjoyed long embraces as my partner comforted me. The Nagoskis advocate for the 6-second kiss or the 20-second hug, which signal safety and release oxytocin too. It’s probably important to note these extended types of affection are personal not professional strategies! For those who have pets, the affection of our furry friends can also calm our nervous systems. And I also benefitted from transparent, uplifting, and meaningful conversations with my colleague and with my friends, both via Zoom I might add. (Yes it is possible, if we choose, to meaningfully connect as humans via Zoom.)
“Hey, Body, you are safe now!”
I instinctively practiced three of the seven methods the Nagoskis advocate for intentionally using to complete the stress cycle. These move us out of the emotional tunnel of the trauma. Here’s their entire list:
Movement
Breathing
Positive Social Interaction
Laughter
Affection
Crying
Creative Expression
This list isn’t exhaustive; there are other strategies, including being in nature and meditation, but these are a solid set. Each of these activities signals to our brain and body that we are no longer under threat. This process of dealing with stress really is physiological, not intellectual, or spiritual, or moral. Our body responds to stress in order to protect us; so it is our body that needs to be cued that we are safe again to lower its defensive posture.
I appreciate this reminder from the authors:
“One thing we know for sure doesn’t work: just telling yourself that everything is okay now. Completing the cycle isn’t an intellectual decision; it’s a physiological shift. Just as you don’t tell your heart to continue beating or your digestion to continue churning, the cycle doesn’t complete by deliberate choice. You give your body what it needs, and allow it to do what it does, in the time that it requires.” (“Burnout”, page 21)
Sounds like self-compassion, doesn’t it?
Pre-Existing Conditions in the Workplace
Work has long been a source of stress impacting our physical, mental, and emotional health and impacting the well-being of our families and communities too. Yet we have been expected to bear that professional stress burden in silence and somehow deal with it outside the realm of work.
In the past, these seven practices might have been considered unprofessional or inappropriate. It’s easy to imagine the protests and dismissive comments about that list or many wellness practices for that matter. Workplace cultures have been slow to acknowledge the reality of our human neuro-physiology, slow to realize that fear-based cultures and bullying leadership are counter-productive, and slow to create humane working conditions that are more effective. Workplace norms have needed to shift for a long time. Now that the stress is obvious, widespread, and critical, shifting these norms has thankfully become a top priority for many leaders and teams.
Being professional means being human.
Leaders and teams who adopt more human-centered practices will not only find relief now, they will be on their way to reaping the long-term benefits of a people-centric culture. Here are some basic steps to take:
Learn about trauma and stress, how these operate in our bodies, and the way humans respond under stress. Appreciate what our bodies naturally do to protect us. Many organizations are becoming “trauma-informed” or not only for their clients but for their team members too.
Learn stress-reducing, wellness practices and creatively incorporate those professionally weaving some of the seven practices into your workday and team cultural practices. In the field of education, for example, Whole Child Social Emotional Learning includes practices like warm greetings, check-ins, discussing feelings, sharing experiences with social support, and meditation. Educators who teach these practices can benefit greatly from using these same techniques as adults in team meetings or check-ins with colleagues. Other types of professionals can too.
Set workload expectations and boundaries that are reasonable and healthy. This may involve changing long-standing habits and identities for some teams or types of work. I’m working right now with educators who have come to the conclusion that they can no longer burn the candle at both ends and work without boundaries that encroach on personal or family time. They are learning to make different choices for the first time in their careers and prioritizing their own well-being to be able to truly care for students.
Embrace loving behaviors of listening, compassion, acceptance, inclusion, and appreciation in how we treat each other on the job. Negative behaviors like bullying, exclusion, poorly managed change, impatience, rudeness, betrayal, ignoring each other, or indifference are not just unpleasant, they are harmful to the well-being of individuals, the team, and by extension families and communities too. We can’t tolerate fear-based practices in our organizations any longer. We must shift to love-centered ways of working.
This list is a start. And we need to start. It’s not just nice to have a human workplace anymore. Truly, it is a must-have. Our lives and well-being depend on it.
