Coming Off Your Ladder: The Path to Effective Conflict Engagement
Have you ever found yourself ensnared in a conflict, stuck in a loop of misunderstanding and misinterpretation? Or perhaps you've been a witness to heated disagreements that only seem to escalate as parties fire assumptions about each other's intentions or flaws. Further still, maybe you avoid conflict like the plague, wary to engage in a conversation that could result in a damaged relationship? If you've experienced such challenges and felt at a loss for solutions, you are not alone.
This blog post, penned by seasoned Human Workplace Consultant, Instructor, and Facilitator Steven Byers, provides an enlightening perspective on effective conflict engagement. Steven deep into the ‘Ladder of Inference’, which lays bare the subconscious process through which we form and reinforce our assumptions. He further illuminates a path to ‘Courageous Conversations’ and how we can foster better communication, deeper understanding, and stronger relationships through “stepping off of our ladder.
Steven doesn't merely outline theoretical concepts. Rather, he provides tangible steps for engaging in conflict constructively. So, if you've been grappling with conflicts that seem insurmountable, this blog post offers a clear roadmap to disentangle our webs of misunderstanding and conflict by encouraging us to question our assumptions and seek shared understanding through empathy. Join Steven Byers on this journey down the ladder, transforming conflicts from threats to opportunities for growth, building stronger, more harmonious relationships along the way.
Come Down Off Your Ladder!
I was first introduced to this unique approach to managing conflict by Hugh O’Doherty, a colleague of Ron Heifetz and a visiting faculty member for the Organization Systems Renewal (OSR) graduate program. Over many years, Hugh has imparted to multiple cohorts the unforgettable visceral concept of “Adaptive Leadership” (If you want to know more about the visceral experience, let’s meet for coffee).
Rooted in the Ladder of Inference
In his teachings, Hugh introduced a process for engaging in conflict, grounded in the Ladder of Inference, an insightful tool conceived by Chris Argyris. If you’re previously unfamiliar with the Ladder of Inference, I highly suggest you visit this short article to get a basic understanding of what it means to “climb up your ladder.” This approach, which Hugh calls “Courageous Conversations”, encourages us to come off our "Ladders of Inference" to facilitate better communication and understanding. The concept of the Ladder of Inference has been the focal point of various conversations and workshops that I've been a part of, from the First Wednesday Conversation in Olympia in October 2018, to systems thinking workshops I've conducted at Leadership Eastside, University of Washington, and the Puget Sound Naval Shipyard.
The Path Off Of Our Ladders
The phrase “come down off your ladder” refers to the notion that when two people (or groups) are in conflict, they are typically operating from the top of their respective ladders, armed with untested assumptions and distorted perceptions about the other party's intentions or flaws. These assumptions, once established, tend to be reinforced over time as we selectively filter information that aligns with our preconceived notions.
At some point, someone decides that something must be done. Someone realizes that the relationship is valuable and worth an intervention. This could be one of the two parties or a third party.
Recognizing and addressing this process is the first step towards a more constructive conflict engagement. The steps to coming off of your ladder include…
Creating a shared understanding or "container"
Sharing concrete data
Exploring individual interpretations and assumptions
Co-designing new behaviors that promote better communication and a stronger relationship
Committing and Checking In About Progress
How to Come Off Your Ladder - With Examples
Below, we delve into how to come down from your ladder with an example from a real-life scenario.
Co-Create Your Container
The first step is to co-create a “container” and invite the other(s) to problem-solve together. The container is created by acknowledging the value of the relationship and that it is worth some effort to preserve.
This step is challenging because putting forth the effort involves some risk. One of the parties must approach the other and own that they harbor certain untested assumptions regarding the meaning of the other’s behavior. This requires vulnerability; thus, the risk, and the need for courage. The initiator must ask the other if she is willing to engage in a conversation to explore the untested assumptions.
Co-creating a container may sound like - “I’m telling myself a story about our recent interactions and I wanted to check this out with you, because I may have it wrong. Would you be open to exploring this with me?”
Possible responses include - “Yes”, “Yes, but not at this moment”, or “No”.
Share Concrete Data
When conversation proceeds (which could be now or later given the response to the invitation to co-create a container), the next step is to share and examine the concrete data that apparently led to a particular meaning, conclusion, and assumption. When sharing concrete data they should be obvious observations without the tone of judgment. Something that is tangible which everyone could agree on.
Sharing concrete data may sound like - “This past month you were late to every meeting, including your own.”
Share Assumptions and Interpretations
After this, it’s time to share the meaning you made from what you observed. This usually includes sharing the assumptions you made and possibly what actions you may have taken because of your assumption.
Sharing assumptions and interpretations may sound like - “When you were late for two meetings, the story I told myself is that you’re not interested in this important project. When you were late for two more meetings in a row, I concluded that you are not fully invested in this organization and assumed you are looking for employment elsewhere. As a result, I did not recommend you to HR for professional development.”
Inquire About the Other’s Perspective
Having shared your point of view and how you arrived there, the next step is to inquire about the other’s perspective. This essential asks, “How do you see it?” Perhaps they will agree with your assessment and story. Though more than likely, you will hear a different story.
Inquiring about the other’s perspective may sound like - “Thanks for listening to the story I was telling myself. How do you see it? Can I hear more about what was going on for you during these moments?”
A possible response could include - “I was late to these four meetings because our boss asked me to mentor the new employee and the only time we could both meet is the hour before the project meeting. The new employee is temporarily located at the annex, and it takes me 15 minutes to get back.”
Co-designing New Behaviors
So now we have two different stories on the table. What’s next? How could you and your colleague interact differently in the future to prevent misinterpretation from escalating to conflict? The next step is to co-design new behaviors. These will be agreed-upon ways of interacting that depart from your usual behaviors, improving the quality of your communication and strengthening your relationship.
Co-designing new behaviors may look like - agreeing to value arriving on time for meetings and other engagements where timeliness is a show of respect. Further, inform the meeting host ahead of time when possible that you plan to arrive late, and if not possible then explain immediately after the meeting.
Commit to Checking In about Progress
Lastly, commit to checking in with each other about the progress you’re making together. Set a time or times for a conversation about whether the new behaviors seem to be helping, and whether something different is needed.
Checking in about progress may sound like - “I wanted to check in about our agreements for meeting timelines. I think we’ve been doing great and appreciate our new behaviors. How do you experience it?”
What Ladder Do You Need to Come Down From?
While these examples and instructions may provide clarity, there's no better teacher than experience. I invite you to integrate this concept of "coming off your ladder" in your own life, be it in your personal relationships, workplace dynamics, or even when dealing with internal conflicts. It's natural to feel a degree of discomfort or uncertainty in the beginning - conflict, after all, is seldom easy. However, the transformation that takes place in your communication and relationships is truly worth the effort.
It may seem daunting, but remember, this is not about totally preventing our human tendency to make assumptions - it's about climbing down from an elevated position of certainty to a ground level of shared understanding and empathy. It's about questioning your assumptions and opening up a dialogue with the other person or party.
What might happen if you started to view conflicts as opportunities for growth rather than as threats? What if you took that first step towards initiating a Courageous Conversation the next time you find yourself at odds with someone else? I challenge you to try it out - take a step down from your ladder, invite the other party to join you and engage in a conversation that fosters understanding and respect.
As you make progress in this journey, I would love to hear about your experiences. I welcome any stories or questions you might have about coming down from your ladder and engaging in these meaningful conversations. Let's learn and grow together because every step toward better conflict management is a step toward building stronger, more harmonious relationships.
