The Language of the Heart
“I don’t understand this stupid language, mama!” Shouted my 5-year-old boy in response to my speaking Bulgarian to him.
My heart sank. It felt like a slap across my face.
Raising a bilingual child was one of my parenting intentions. Bilingualism has been proven to enhance the executive functions of the human brain. Research has shown that bilingual children perform better in flexible thinking, attention, conflict management abilities, problem-solving, and other cognitive and emotional skills. I knew the benefits! Yet amongst the full-time job, the full-time care, and the full-time navigating life during the pandemic, that went to the back burner for some time. I went from speaking Bulgarian situationally to speaking Bulgarian occasionally to none! My son’s development in English has well surpassed his ability to understand my native language. Would I be able to change this trajectory? Would I be able to pass on my mother’s tongue to him?
The Gift of a Language
The reflection on my son’s language development and bilingualism inspired me to reflect on languages in general. Language is such an important part of what it is to be human. One that is often unappreciated. In my recent research, I learned that the world is losing minority languages at an alarming rate. TerraLingua documents a loss of one language every two weeks. Languages contain the unique way of how a particular culture views the world. So, the implications are beyond the language itself – when we lose a language, we reduce our biocultural diversity, and we lose our capacity to understand and live within the environment where the people of that language once lived.
We see, hear and experience the way we do because of the language habits of our community. Edward Sapir wrote that “Human beings do not live in the objective world alone, nor alone in the world of social activity as ordinarily understood but are very much at the mercy of the particular language which has become the medium of expression for their society.” (The Status of Linguistics as a Science, 1929) Languages shape our reality. Diverse languages gift us insights into other realities.
The Shadow of a Language
The studies of native people forced to speak English during colonization give us another insight. They reveal a lack of empowerment that comes with the language of a “domination culture” which organizes relationships at all levels according to a hierarchy of control, status, and privilege. (Introduction to Community Psychology)
In cultures based upon a dominator system, we differentiate between subject and object, relating to both as “things” rather than as processes within a system of flow. This structure of “power-over” the core of dominator, win-lose culture, is built into the English language. Speaking these kinds of languages leads us universally into systems of hierarchical power based on violence by one group (the winners) over another (the losers).
That same power-over notion often obscures awareness of personal responsibility. How many times do we hear the phrase “I just had to.” I used it at the start of this blog - I had to deal with life, and I couldn’t dedicate my attention to teaching my toddler a second language! It feels natural to attribute at least part of my responsibility to circumstances beyond my control. Of course, if I look deeper, I know I had a choice.
“Languages can give and take away our power, create the conditions for connection and for disconnection, for love or for fear.”
Research has also linked the frequent use of judgment words to the frequency of incidents in communities. And is it really a surprise that there is more violence in cultures where people label one another as good or bad and believe that the bad ones deserve to be punished? That is how my son compared and evaluated Bulgarian to be a “stupid” language – as one that causes him discomfort. Languages can give and take away our power, create the conditions for connection and for disconnection, for love or for fear.
Shifting to the Language of the Heart
When we set off to create an organizational culture shift, part of our work is to analyze the language used in the organization. We analyze the style of the employee and management handbooks, and the process through which they are communicated. We observe the language used in internal communications and during meetings. We note the focus on certain things over others. We spend time in deep and mindful listening to discern the use of words and their nature. These observations help us to sense deeper into the organizational culture and its history.
For a shift to happen, we need to make space for the language of the heart. What is truly going on inside the human beings in this workplace? What are their experiences and feelings? What’s beneath the words they use? What evaluations, interpretations, and judgments are present? What needs are at the roots of their feelings? These are some of the questions we ponder.
Typically, the less attention that is paid to creating connections with the people, the more spaciousness I’m inclined to create so that connections flourish in my interactions.
Then, we invite leaders to start using new words, new phrases, and new questions. We need empathy to give empathy. Vulnerability for more vulnerability. Authenticity creates more authenticity. Our objective is to start to use the language of the heart – including honesty, compassion, and personal responsibility. Resistance is a natural part of adopting a new language. Intentions might be there just the same as my parenting intentions to teach Alex Bulgarian. When life happens, when stress kicks in – what language becomes the norm?
Your Turn to Choose Your Language
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
My invitation to you is to pay some attention to the language that you use – in your family, your community, and your organization. What verbs do you commonly use, what statements, and what judgments do you often hear from those around you or feel yourself? Observe with no evaluation. Just to learn. Then ask yourself: What feelings do these words illustrate? What unmet needs are seeking to reveal themselves? How do I want to connect with the people in my surrounding? Marshall Rosenberg suggests that “the good news” is that acquiring the language of the heart “does not require us to be perfect. It does not require us to be saints. And we don’t even have to be patient. We just need to dedicate ourselves to a daily practice. Same as I need to dedicate the time and energy to nurture and support a bilingual child. In the words of the Sufi poet Rumi “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
