Loving Yourself Can’t Come Last
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———————————————————————————————————————————————————-I've been doing a lot of Loving Leader Assessments recently. With groups I'm working with, with our podcast guests, and with my coaching clients.
I'm seeing an important pattern I want to share with you because it probably applies to you too!
First of all, while Loving Leadership has three components, one is crucial in upholding the other two.
We need this crucial one if we are going to love our team in the moments that matter.
We need this crucial one if we are going to embed love in our organization's systems and structures.
But this one crucial component consistently ranks the lower than the other three when leaders take our Loving Leader Assessment.
This is true for seasoned leaders and new leaders, for leaders at different levels, for all genders, and across numerous industries too.
That crucial component?
Loving yourself.
Loving yourself by our definition involves practices of being your whole self, respecting yourself, trusting yourself, forgiving yourself, having compassion for yourself, and investing in yourself.
I hear in my research that these are all experiences of love that people want from others in their work. We want to be whole, to feel trusted, to be forgiven if we make a mistake, to receive compassion when we are struggling or suffering as a person, and to have our leader take an interest and invest in our learning and development.
But now, if this is love from someone else, do we love ourselves in the same ways? Unfortunately, more often than not, the answer appears to be no.
This could be because loving yourself is something we may hold many false ideas about. See if these sound familiar…
“Self-love is selfish or narcissistic.” In this way of thinking, loving yourself means you are self-centered and don't care about others. In truth, genuine self-love enables you to show up for others from a place of wholeness, rather than depletion or resentment. It’s about cultivating self-worth, not self-absorption.
“You must be perfect to deserve self-love.” With this standard, you must fix every flaw before you can love yourself. But in truth, self-love involves embracing imperfections and recognizing that your worth isn't based on some ideal but on being human.
“You can only love yourself if you are accepted by others.” This is based on the false notion that your self-worth and self-love depend on the approval, validation, and love of others. In truth, self-love is independent of external opinions and thrives when you honor your own values and needs.
Such self-love is THE pre-requisite to sustainably loving others.
So where to begin to cultivate self-love? Self-talk is one area that stands out in our leadership assessment conversations. So, let's begin there.
Consider these two sample questions from our assessment. Rate yourself on a scale of 1-5, with 1 being “I don't do this”, and 5 being “I am consistent at doing this”:
“After a setback do you speak to yourself with kindness and understanding rather than self-criticism?” (rate yourself 1 to 5)
“When you’re struggling, do you speak to yourself in a way that is generous rather than judgmental?” (rate yourself 1 to 5)
If you gave yourself a 1 or 2 for either of these questions, you would probably benefit from giving focused attention to your self-talk.
Try this simple exercise as a place to begin: The next time you face a setback or make a mistake, write yourself a supportive note as you would to encourage a friend. Read it to yourself, perhaps a few times throughout the day or as negative thoughts come up. Notice how that lands for you. Embrace thoughts of self-compassion as you move forward.
Awareness of such tendencies is a first step. Working to shift patterns over time builds on that awareness. It can also be motivating for some to realize that low self-love will impede your Loving Leadership of others. So, if care for others inspires you to care for yourself, so be it!
