Loving When Overwhelmed
With the eruption of war and violence against the people of Ukraine, we are again faced with waves of grief, shock, horror, anger, concern, perhaps numbness, rage, and more.
These feelings can be overwhelming. For so many months, we’ve been mostly impotent to change our circumstances, subject to the whims of the pandemic. We’ve worried and advocated for people enduring natural- or man-made suffering around the world. We may have a sense of being pummeled by so many different events. And now, the senseless violence in Ukraine brings new waves of shock, sorrow, care, and longing to help.
We may wish we didn’t have all these feelings, but they are evidence that we are not indifferent to what is happening in the world. They are evidence of our humanity and love. We care about the people of Ukraine, and we care about others who have been and still are suffering in other conflicts and crises. We are human, wired to feel empathy and ready to act with compassion.
In response to these terrible events, our humanity rises up with feelings that showing our love.
That ache you’re feeling? That’s your love responding.
The anxiousness that has you sleepless at 3 a.m.? That’s your love.
The numbness? The outrage? That’s your love.
The waves of courage alternating with sorrow? Those are both your love too.
Your feelings of love and your instinctive desire to act with love toward those suffering around the world, as well as to your community, neighbors, colleagues, family, and yes, yourself, are all good and necessary instincts.
“We are not alone in our love and concern. We are together in it, collectively creating a whole loving response out of many parts. ”
And it’s also true that we’ve been holding so much. This emotional trauma can be harmful, particularly on top of other trauma, and it can be daunting to hold such vast needs. But it helps me to remember this: We are not alone in our love and concern. We are together in it, collectively creating a whole loving response out of many parts. So there is no one right way to love; there are many different forms of love that are all needed both now and over time.
We can offer love one way today and then tomorrow or next week shift our expressions of love to another way.
This movement does several things. It welcomes the multiple realities we are in and brings love in great variety. And it tends to our heartbreak and real human needs too, helping us to sustain our love over time through self-compassion. Let’s look at some of the ways we can love and consider how to move back and forth among these.
Love gives to those who are suffering in the world.
We long to help when we see suffering or injustice. And we live in an amazing time when we know in real-time exactly what is happening to people around the world, and we can immediately help. A donation today can be in the hands of those that most need it within hours, not weeks or months from now. There are many reputable organizations that offer avenues to love. Choose what you are drawn to and if you can, set up automatic giving. That consistency helps organizations focus on their mission and plan.
To love those suffering from the War in Ukraine consider supporting one of these organizations. And we know all too well that other injustices and struggles don’t go away when a new crisis erupts. But collectively our love is vast enough to continue to hold space, give resources, keep up-to-date, and love those who are also suffering in other places and for other reasons. Consider supporting organizations like Oxfam, the Human Rights Campaign, the Equal Justice Initiative, or Partners in Health.
Love helps those close by.
After reaching out across the miles, you may feel the strong urge to do something active and physically connected to others. Let the generous love rising in your heart be directed to those close by. This too impacts the world.
Channel your compassion to a local non-profit feeding those who are hungry or sheltering the unhoused in your town.
Send a card of encouragement to a teacher or healthcare worker you know.
Support the transition of an immigrant family into your community.
Become involved in local equity and anti-racist work in your town or organization.
Visit a lonely neighbor or offer childcare to a young family.
Demonstrate simple acts of kindness that expand positivity and belonging to those around you.
Over the last 6 years, we’ve witnessed the normalization of meanness, social abuse, and callousness to the humanity of others. At the highest levels, this is manifest in authoritarian leaders who humiliate their opponents, shame those unlike them, and oppress individuals and minority groups. This terrible “leadership example” influences day-to-day local life in the form of school or workplace bullying, slurs, selfishness, violence, and more. All of these diminish our humanity and constrict our possibilities as a community. But we can tip the scales of our social norms away from this negativity by putting love into action toward those right around us. Those acts of love ripple out in waves of impact shifting the norms in your block, your city, your state, and the world.
Love witnesses and does not turn away.
Love means seeing what is happening to others in the world. Love can’t ignore their suffering but makes sure to see and know. Love means I won’t turn away from you because your reality is unpleasant or makes me unhappy. I am willing to be uncomfortable because I want to uplift your humanity by understanding your lived experience and supporting you. This is important because being alone, isolated in our grief is another level of grief. We are all connected; our possibilities and our futures are all wrapped up together.
So I will stay informed about what’s happening in areas of crisis even though it makes me sad, and I may not know what to do. I can at least witness. And, in a self-governing, democratic society, it is our responsibility to be informed by reputable, valid sources. Otherwise, we will elect foolish leaders who wield massive influence over people’s lives and create more suffering in the world. Witnessing events and taking seriously our global responsibility as citizens of our country is an act is love.
Love is self-compassionate too.
Self-compassion means that after a time when you’ve leaned in, watched, read, been actively loving others in different ways, you sense your limits and needs. You step back and take a reprieve from the intensity to process, heal, and let your neuro- and biological systems recover to find peace, joy, and hope. This post on “Completing the Stress Cycle” offers evidence-based practices for how to effectively process stress.
And then when you are able, step up again.
“Trust your instincts to give voice and actions to this love for others. This is the necessary love the world needs. AND, trust your instincts to step back to restore and heal after facing the vastness of the world’s needs. This is the necessary self-love that you need. Both loves are crucial. ”
This self-compassion is loving too; it is your love for your own human needs and life. It is this love that enables you to love others.
Stepping up, stepping back, stepping up again.
Trust your instincts to give voice and actions to this love for others. This is the necessary love the world needs. AND, trust your instincts to step back to restore and heal after facing the vastness of the world’s needs. This is the necessary self-love that you need. Both loves are crucial.
Feel the love for your fellow humans and turn that love into compassionate action.
Feel the love for yourself and turn that love into self-compassion.
Both are right on. Both are needed.
