An Inner Guide to Self-Regulation and Love
“ We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.”
I stood in the middle of my kitchen paralyzed. I felt the witness in me watching from above. I was still and silent. To the ordinary eye, nothing was happening. But my inner world was swirling.
In my mind, I observed the mental tape go. A few of them, actually. There was one that was telling me - how could I be so short with him? How could I be so reactive? Another one suggesting that I was right - I had to express my needs! A third one wondering how he is and what his day was like. There were a few other voices - starting to create stories about his intentions. Somehow, it started to be totally logical that this was part of a devised plan against me that he started a few days ago.
I focused on my breath. I remembered I had feet and pressed my toes into the ground. There it was - my body. I felt my heart racing. Tension behind my eyeballs. Palms sweaty. Tightness inside my chest. It felt as if a hard shell had covered me, and I was stuck and contracted there.
Pressure Cooker Moment
A few minutes ago, my husband and I were arguing about cooking dinner. He wanted to cook a new recipe from scratch - together. I had just finished a call and it was 6 pm. My son was calling me in the other room, asking me to play. I was hungry. Plus I had another call starting at 9 pm (UK to US). I didn't want to cook. Not from scratch anyway. I hesitated. “What is this about - spending time together, or cooking, or eating something different?!”
He didn't respond. Then I shouted – “What a waste of time! I have work and I want to spend time with my son. I don't want to cook!” He looked at me with disappointment in his eyes and turned away. I was triggered further. This was no longer about cooking. Or this moment. This was about disappointment, shame, loss. A question plagued my mind: “What if I am not good enough?”
Anchoring in Safety
After the intensity of anger faded, I felt myself lean in with curiosity. “What is going on here?” I mused and sank deeper within. I was glad my husband had now left the room. I could take my time with this exploration. I felt unable to move. And yet… Breath. Feet. Body. Wiggle. I spent a few minutes repeating this embodied exploration.
Placing a hand on my heart, I felt hyper-aware of my inner experience and bodily sensations. Slowly but surely, softness emerged from that space and started to move through the rest of me. The shell was melting away. Returned my sense of safety. “I am okay”, I say to my head and heart. “It’s time to make amends.”
Reactivity: A Shared Human Experience
I only wished I took those precious moments to self-examine and ground within before I initially spoke. I know I could put together a list of moments that day and week when I ignored my need for rest. Now my nervous system was responding for me - reminding me to notice and take care.
The reason I share this story is that you’ve likely been here too. At some point in recent weeks, you may have been triggered in a small or big way. You may have felt yourself move out of connection and safety. You may have acted in a way that's misaligned with your core. You may have hurt someone in the process. You may be hurting yourself.
I want you to take a deep breath now and let me speak some truth to you: It is okay. You are human. And this reactivity is our biological response caused by perceived cues of danger. It wants you to just listen.
The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines listening as “hearing something with thoughtful attention”. As we learn to listen to our body and feel our physiological responses in (challenging) situations, we need to also bring this quality of “thoughtful attention”.
If we are dysregulated and attempt to make meaning too soon, then we often hear our judgment and criticism (towards self or others) as truth. If we speak too soon, then we end up hurting someone in the process. This is a natural human reactivity. The good news? There’s a better way.
The Better Way: A Rhythm of Regulation
Deb Dana in her work explores the “rhythm of regulation”. I was pleased to see the similarities between her scientific research and recommendations with my lived experiences.
She invites us to take care of our nervous system. Deb recommends finding ways to slow down and drop into our body, recognizing when we are in a moment of dysregulation. Then, to invite ourselves into presence, and self-compassion.
Dysregulation is a universal human experience. It is only through curiosity and listening, we can return to a place of love, safety, and connection to ourselves.
Inner Dialogue: A Tool for Regulation
In Deb Dana’s research, I appreciated how she de-constructed an inner dialogue process in simple steps we can all take. We can use it to tune into our “Rhythm of Regulation”. I share my version with you below in hopes that you can be equipped with a practical tool for your own moments of dysregulation - whatever that looks like for you.
This is a moment of suffering.
And it’s a part of life.
My Body is in a survival state seeking protection.
This is a Universal experience.
Let me be Love.
Earth is supporting me.
This practice can help us return to a place of regulation and calmness. And it's ok if we make a mistake, we just need to return to our practice.
To approach tough challenges, lead others with love, and achieve audacious goals - we need to be resourced from within. We create love, safety, trust, and connection for others when we are in that grounded presence.
Inner Transformation for Leadership Growth
Oftentimes, leaders, teams, and organizations ask for more tools and knowledge to solve problems. In essence, more external help rather than internal practice. But this is only helpful if we first address one of the most important leadership capacities - to generate connection, safety, and trust through the practice of inner transformation. What we need more than ever is space to practice our inner work. Space to learn how to navigate the pressure cooker moments that occur in life and at work daily. Learning to regulate and to co-regulate with others is a key capacity for leaders. This is one way we can start to bring love to the world. It starts with our journey within.
Wishing you all the best on your journey to self-regulation.
