Notes on Loving Leadership and my Trip to Bulgaria

I came to Bulgaria to surprise my mum for her birthday! It's the most spontaneous thing I've done in a long time, and one of the kindest gestures I could do for my parents.

When navigating life as an ex-pat living in the UK, I rarely make it back to my country of origin. And, it’s been challenging to maintain a close relationship with my parents over the years. I bet a lot of us have been re-thinking our relationships with our parents since the onset of the pandemic. What is it with us humans? Do we have to lose someone close to realize the preciousness of life and the people in it? Until we taste impermanence, how much do we take for granted?

Back to my trip! I am walking the streets of Sofia and looking for banitsa and espresso, the traditional Bulgarian breakfast. Looking around and taking my surroundings in, it dawns on me, that the last time I travelled on my own was back in 2018 when I went to Bali. That's 4 years ago!

My Brain Overwhelmed

My experience taking in the streets of Bulgaria reminds me of walking on the streets of Bali. The difference between where I live in the UK and where I am now is SO overwhelming that my cognitive load is at a high. I notice my brain filling in the blanks and making wrong assumptions at scale. I am actually counting how many times what I expect is different from what actually happens - 38 times so far! So much learning in that.

Voices of Judgment and Criticism

When I travel I make a silent wholehearted vow not to judge and instead to take things in as they are. This is a practice I started when I first went to Asia back in 2011. I knew at the time that my trip would be ruined if I listened to the Voices of Judgment and Criticism. Instead, each time I pressed a light switch or turned on the shower, I felt a sense of curiosity and wonder. Would there be hot water today, would the electricity be on?

My loving leadership practice is very much like that. I ask a question and intently listen with curiosity. What will I learn here? The openness that the intention to learn creates is powerful.

Yet, I remember times with less conscious choices and more listening to the voices of Judgment and Criticism too. For example, once when I joined a new organization, my new leadership team gave me an award for being the Top New Employee because I settled in so fast and identified so many of their weaknesses! That’s right. I took every opportunity to name what could be better. I now realize my way of joining that organization and bringing so much criticism and judgment was unloving. I was going through a change curve - and people knew about it!

Today at A Human Workplace, we are conducting research about people in transition - the Great Resignation, as it is being called. Some people are considering leaving, some have left, and others have joined new organizations. Thinking about those people who are in the process of onboarding, their brains would be doing just what mine is doing in Sofia right now: Adjusting to the different surroundings, taking in a new culture, learning to engage with new people.

The Choice Between Criticism and Curiosity

There is a choice to be made here: A choice between criticism or curiosity. The temptation is always to judge. After all, that's what school taught us to do. We bring that criticism and harshly evaluate before we truly understand, and stamp a label on the different practices we discover; are they good or bad? Efficient or wasteful? Forward-thinking or backward?

The Choice to Be Loving

But there is a different choice I want to offer you here. The choice to be loving. Being loving during a transition in a new workplace means that you may not be recognized as the new employee with all the ideas for improvements. Not yet anyway. Being loving may mean that you are instead open to learning about this new place. Your brain will still compare what you know and expect with what actually happens. But what if you just start counting these surprises without judgment? What if instead of assuming incompetence, you view people as humans trying to do their best, the same as you?

I find a place to grab an espresso. Whilst I wait to order, I hear a young man talking to the waitress in English. She asks him what he thinks of Sofia. He says he is disappointed. “It's so dirty and old, and nowhere will they take my card. Every shop only asks for cash. How old school is that?' I smile. The waitress is so kind in her responses. She suggests that he needs to visit other parts of the country before he concludes his evaluation. He is so angry. I interrupt and point to the cash machine on the other side of the street. He expresses his gratitude and goes to get some cash.

Our brains will always take us down the path of Judgement and Criticism every time it has to spend extra energy on tasks. It takes brainpower to cope with the cognitive load of so many surprises. But our hearts! Our hearts can help us open up to the gift of learning.

And that learning is at the core of my loving leadership practice.

Wholeheartedly,

Lili