Love, Not Indifference
This was a hard post to write. That’s what happens if I’m writing from my head alone and not my heart and my gut. I can’t get to what’s trying to come out. And then my deadline comes and a post is made but I haven’t actually found it yet. And then two days later, I wake up at 2 a.m. hearing words in my heart that distill the essence of things:
“These times are hard. People are struggling. We used to believe this was none of our business. But we know better now. We know we are all connected. We need to take care of each other if we are all going to make it. We matter to each other. We always have but now it is plain to be seen.
So we have to find ways to help each other get through this. I don’t have all those ways, only a few. I bet you have more. I know you. I know this community and our capacity for love is amazing. So please send me an email won’t you and share the many ways you are acting with love, not indifference at work and in the world.
Now here’s the post…
“What if there are three things not just two?” a friend challenged me.
“What do you mean?” I asked puzzled. It was 2017 and we were talking about my research and writing on love and fear.
“Instead of love and fear as the opposite ends of a spectrum, what if there’s a third point? What if it’s a triangle not a line? What would the third thing be? Love, fear and —- what?”
As someone who only half-jokingly has declared that anything in the world can be expressed (albeit imperfectly) in a two-by-two, I was intrigued. The notion of a triad rather than a binary was appealing, and challenged to my A-or-B, this-or-that thinking. And I love a good challenge.
We discussed what that third thing could be: Love, fear and —- what??
He suggested indifference.
Hmmm. Indifference appeared to offer a neutral condition distinct from both love and fear. Others could take sides, choose teams, and stake out positions, but indifference maintained aloofness, cool objectivity lacking any interest or concern. One could float conveniently above it all, not acting with love that creates safety and belonging in forms like trust, kindness, empathy, and inclusion nor with threatening behaviors that create fear like betrayal, withholding, shaming, humiliation, or rejection. One could be blissfully indifferent.
But as much as I momentarily fancied the neat triad of love-fear-indifference, I quickly realized that indifference was not…indifferent. That is to say, being unconcerned or detached was actually not neutral at all. Indifference to either the good or the bad only served to foster fear. In every situation that came to mind, apathetic disinterest undermined security, trust, and goodwill.
Imagine, I am your colleague. If I am indifferent to the good you experience or contribute, to expressions of gratitude, celebrations of success, or acts of altruism, my indifference is not neutral to you. If I am indifferent to your difficulties on the job, for example, your struggle to be heard, discrimination you face, or micro-aggressions you contend with, my indifference is not neutral to you. If I am indifferent to betrayals, public humiliation, or social rejection you suffer, you do not experience my indifference as neutral.
My indifference says loud and clear, “I just don’t care about you. What’s happening to you doesn’t matter to me.”
Such lack of concern for another person douses trust and ignites the embers of fear. Eventually this fear will blaze and consume any sense of psychological safety. This indifference signals that I am not committed enough to your humanity to give a damn about what’s happening with you. And so I will let your traumatic experience or hardship go on unacknowledged, unchecked, unsupported, not believing it to be necessary to do anything or even notice. All the while, it is abundantly clear that you are not safe with me, that I won’t have your back, that I am not committed to your basic wellbeing. That is indifference and it is not a third thing. It is a direct source of fear.
My indifference triggers your fight, flight, freeze or appease response activating aggression, frustration, defensiveness, withdrawal, silence, compliance, or resignation, and over time, you may suffer physical and emotional illness. My indifference converted to fear plays out in your body and heart. This is the damage of indifference.
This is why those of us who are White can’t just be not racist. That is indifference, and it adds to the fear and scourge of racism experienced by those who are Black, Indigenous, and People of Color . The suffering of those who are BIPOC in racist systems call us to be anti-racist, to listen, learn, understand, believe, and support equity, that is, to love.
Elie Wiesel famously put it this way, “The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
He calls us to take indifference as seriously as we take hate, ugliness, heresy and even death. And by contrast that we uphold love, art, faith and life by caring about each other.
In an individualistic culture like the United States, our choices and experiences are considered our own, resulting in both our own responsibilities and our own opportunities. We fancy ourselves separate from each other, independent and free. Because of this, indifference comes easily in our culture. But it is not serving us well now, in these times of suffering under the COVID-19 pandemic and ongoing racial injustice.
At the start of the pandemic with near universal stay at home efforts, humanity experienced a brief clarity of our interdependence. Time and again in virtual gatherings, many in the US would marvel at what those in other cultures are aware of all the time: That we are connected and depend on each other, that our wellbeing is wrapped up tightly together.
In recent years physicists, philosophers, biologists, sociologists, and theologians have been pointing to the true nature of reality, telling us for quite some time is that we are all connected. What happens to the child left alone to fend for themselves while a parent has to go to work will impact your well-being and mine. The exhaustion and fear of Black folks facing systemic racism will reverberate throughout society to us all. We are not separate from each other; we are intertwined so indifference makes no sense.
What does this mean for making work more loving and human?
While 2020 has been difficult for us all, it has been much more difficult for some.
As leaders and colleagues, it is essential that we cultivate love and care not fear and indifference in our work teams, our neighborhoods, and across our nation.
Some of you have been doing this. Thank you! You inspire and show the way. Your embodiment of love in action is making a difference for those who encounter you each day. Please send me a note to share your story of the ways you are helping with an ear, a hand, resources, time, advocacy. This matters to us all.
For others, you’ve been more aloof in the past but your heart is being pricked and you know it is time to take action. Your expanded awareness means your will need to expand your attention and emotional capacity because this may be uncomfortable. You may never have made yourself vulnerable like this. I know it’s a lot; we are all stretched thin. But we humans are strong, resilient, and we have enough love in us to listen, empathize, fully understand and respond with support to…
The harsh and disproportionate impact of COVID-19 on BIPOC communities in health as well as financial impacts. What can we do? We can acknowledge this reality, demand better from systems for those communities, and personally behave to slow the spread of the virus to protect those who are vulnerable. We can choose to patronize businesses owned by those who are BIPOC. I found the Urban League in my community to be an excellent source of information about local Black owned businesses.
The emotional jeopardy of single remote workers who have effectively been in near solitary confinement for months. What can we do? We can reach out regularly to those who are isolated, to check in not just about work projects or tasks but to get to know them as people and create meaningful human connections.
The stress of remote-working parents of school-aged children struggling to share space, laptops, and internet bandwidth as well as to meet the emotional, social, physical, and mental health needs of family 24/7 while also doing their jobs. What can we do? We can focus on work outcomes not time logged on. We might adjust tasks or functions to align better with these realities. We could offer practical support like meals or tutoring.
The frustrated women who can feel their career opportunities and long-term earning potential slipping further as parenting-while-working responsibilities fall more heavily on their shoulders. What can we do? We can reach out to offer support, mentoring, amplification of voice in meetings, or access to opportunities.
The untenable position foisted on single parents who must work outside the home to avoid eviction and put food on the table while their children are alone all day trying “do school” on their own. What can we do? This is a hard one. We can help these parents locate community resources for childcare where available and also for other forms of assistance. If such resources don’t yet exist, we can support their creation. See the resources below for ideas.
The frontline healthcare workers who face the daily fear of exposing their family members to COVID-19. What can we do? We can value the lives of these workers by doing everything we can to stop the spread of the virus in our community. We can also offer generous listening and emotional support so they can process their stress, fear, and grief.
The exhaustion and chronic trauma faced by Black and Brown team members as systemic racism continues to take lives and threaten wellbeing. What can we do? We who are White can listen and believe our friends and colleagues when they share about their lived experiences. We can learn about our biases and how Whiteness moves in us, around us, through us. We can learn about how to be a good ally/accomplice.
As we push aside indifference and listen with compassion to understand the experiences of others, and then we can let that motivate us to action. We can use whatever we have, position, influence, relationships, time, or creativity to give, help, and contribute to solutions for people at work and in our communities. We can express and offer support. And we can demand resources from our government to help meet these human needs.
We can solve tough problems once we decide to. It’s time to decide. It’s time to activate our empathy, creativity and determination to love and support each other as if our lives depend upon it, because they do.
Further resources for loving each other in practical ways:
7 Ways Employers Can Support Working Parents During the COVID-19 Pandemic
14 Organizations and People Working to Support BIPOC Mental Health During the Coronavirus Crisis
Care Collaboratory’s Pandemic Response for Healthcare Workers
Working parents face a child-care crisis. Here’s how L.A. employers are handling it
Communities Are Trying To Help Working Parents Who Face A Child Care Gap
Youth Across the Country Petition School Boards to Reimagine Safety
5 Radical Schooling Ideas For An Uncertain Fall And Beyond
connect-19: offering short supportive phone conversations for self-expression and empowerment
