Color Mindfulness: Honoring and Valuing Our Skin
Yesterday my daughter was laying on the family room floor flipping very excitedly through a book titled “Little Leaders: Bold Women in Black History” and calling out the names of female Black leaders that she was inspired by for her 4th grade Black History Month project. She would yelp out what they are known for and joyfully play with options of which impressive lady she will dress up as and write a report about. How awesome, I thought, “inspiring role models for her!”
Then my heart sank when I realized that I had not heard of many of these women, other than the famous people that are socialized as historical celebrities in our society.
40 women.
Who did incredible things for our country.
My daughter picked Mary Bowers, a Civil War spy, to write about. I hated admitting that I didn’t know a gosh darn thing about her. She gave up the opportunity to be freed from slavery to instead go undercover working with the Union and Underground Railroad. It took 130 years for her to actually be recognized by the United States Military. Yes, I wrote that number correctly - 130 years…
I started feverishly googling the rest of these amazing women in the book and could not believe that nothing was ringing a bell about hearing about them before. Ya want to know why? It’s not because I am uneducated, or I am not a history buff (although I am not).
It’s because I am White and don’t recall learning much about Black history growing up in my majority-White school system and environment. And, if I’m being totally honest, when I was all grown up, I wasn't motivated to go learn about it on my own or didn't really have an impetus...until I had a Black daughter.
Learning and Growing Together
Learning about Black history is not just for my daughter’s cultural connection or to inspire her with role models that look like her – which is so important for children of color.
It is WAY bigger than that.
It is for me, and you, and all of us – Black, White, Brown, and every shade in between – to learn and grow from what created inequalities of the past and honor the contributions made by people of all skin colors.
As Adam Slade said so eloquently in the last blog, “We need to open our hearts and minds to embrace our full history. Without a shared honest understanding, we resist the original sin of dehumanization that persists today.”
I was lamenting my realization about what I missed in my educational journey and my wise colleague and friend Wil Johnson replied with this quote from Malcolm X:
“Don’t be in a hurry to condemn because he doesn’t do what you do or think as you think or as fast. There was a time when you didn’t know what you know today.”
In my eye-opening journey of racial awareness as a Mother and Leadership Coach, I have embraced that this type of humble learning mindset is necessary to open our worlds and minds to truly seeing one another.
Our Multi-Racial Family
Jen and Kenya Todd
When I fostered and adopted my daughter, I went through transracial adoption training.
It was heart-wrenching to learn about the ways my daughter was different from me and about the potential challenges she would face having brown skin that I have not, and will not, ever experience. I had no idea beforehand about all these differences that were completely out of my control and consciousness as a White person.
I went through a journey of revelations learning about African American culture, racism, hair and skin care, and parenting a child of another race. Seeing the world through my daughter's eyes broke me free of my White-colored glasses through which I had previously seen the world.
One thing that was immediately apparent, even at just a few weeks old, was how uncomfortable many people were talking about our differences, specifically the color of my daughter’s skin.
The notion of being “color-blind” to race kept coming up. People really wanted to love her for her beautiful spirit and that was a good intention, but in doing that, they were ignoring a big part of who she was and who we were - a multi-racial family.
I felt upset, misunderstood, dishonored, and sometimes downright enraged when someone whispered about her being Black or told me not to talk about it, or outright debated with me about its importance.
The Birth of “Color Blindness”
It is important to understand the historic context for the cultural norm of not talking about skin color or of speaking about it in hushed tones.
One of Martin Luther King Jr.’s most famous lines from his “I Have a Dream” speech is “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character” (August 28, 1963).
Back then, America was in the middle of the Civil Rights Movement, so King’s words represented a truly radical idea and high aspiration, in response to the deep oppression, trauma, and injustices of slavery and segregation. So if you pointed out that someone had black or brown skin color, it was assumed to be a detrimental judgment.
As the years passed our society worked through the overt impacts of segregation, and the nuances of talking about race didn’t evaporate. The notion that pointing out skin color was tied to judgment persisted, so many white people stopped talking about skin color at all. This habit formed under the assumption that it was kinder to avoid the topic of race or that it was a way to circumvent judgment on the path to equality. The problem is that this behavior evolved to suggest that because White people weren’t talking about race, it meant racism was gone.
The Social and Intrapersonal Impacts of “Color Blindness”
This created a racial denial of the underlying bias, judgments, and prejudices that were still very much alive. However, at the time, unconscious racial biases weren’t widely known, understood, or talked about by White people. Of course, these biases don’t just go away when we don’t speak them out loud. No matter what race we are, these biases are still harbored in the recesses of our subconscious, regardless of if we bring them into conscious thought or not.
Just a few decades ago, numerous books and the wisdom available online did not exist to enlighten us about the important social and intrapersonal impacts of color blindness. I suspect many people had no idea what caused racism, or that the term “race” was a made-up construct or the extent of the harsh realities that exist within policies and societal norms to disadvantage people with certain skin colors.
Now that I know more about this history, I have a new motto that helps me temper the judgment or embarrassment I could feel about things I should have known about race. This motto is to embrace that “understanding race is a life-long journey of discovery and I don’t know what I don’t know”.
My Personal History With “Color Blindness”
Many well-meaning and good-hearted White people, including my own parents, taught their children not to mention skin color or else they “might offend people”.
Back in the 70s and 80s, I lived in an upper-middle-class suburb of Detroit that was predominantly White at the time. It seemed that messages from all systems – political, educational, religious, and community - all supported this notion that being “colorblind” was a worthy way of loving others.
Mentioning race was as taboo as a fart in church 😁.
My own dear late mother, who was truly the epitome of unconditional love and empathy, upheld this taboo when my daughter first joined our family. She was heartbroken when I told her the impact that downplaying racism had on my daughter and her lived experience. I shared with my mom how angry it made me when she implied that her race didn’t matter and we should just try to fit in with everyone else.
The truth is, my mom really, fully, deeply LOVED my daughter, but just did not know how to show this love in a way that honored her experience as a Black American. This was a huge revelation that led to a deeper bond between my whole family. It made me realize that even with heartfelt good intentions, we are all capable of perpetuating unhelpful assumptions that can lead to negative impacts like the continued belief systems rooted in racism.
Why We Must Rid Ourselves of “Color Blindness”
Holding onto outdated beliefs, allowing for racial denial, avoiding hard conversations, or diminishing the current status of racism with positivity, doesn’t serve any of us in our quest to love, honor, and bring equality, equity, and inclusion to our families, communities, and workplaces.
If we want to live in a world where all people of all colors, cultures, and ethnicities are accepted and respected then we must stop ignoring the differences in skin color and start honoring the rainbow of shades that inform who we are.
Let me speak specifically to White people who may struggle with speaking about and acknowledging skin color. Here are three reasons why it is important to shift the narrative of racial denial and drop the notion of being colorblind.
Colorblindness ignores who someone is and what may be important to them – Skin color represents a person’s background and the context for how they show up in the world. It is important to acknowledge ethnicity, while also building relationships to better understand what matters to someone through a cultural lens.
Colorblindness dismisses life experiences and generational trauma related to ethnic and cultural identity – There is a legacy of racism, slavery, oppression, microaggressions, and traumas that people of color have experienced just because of the color of their skin. To have compassion, empathy, or be an advocate one must acknowledge this harm.
Colorblindness can create feelings of inadequacy and shame – Avoiding conversations of race or whispering in hushed tones implies something is wrong, invoking embarrassment and shame. In contrast, speaking with confidence reflects that our conversation on race are worthy and important.
If we truly want to respect and love all people, it begins with acknowledging them including their skin as part of who they are.
An Inspiring Story of Color Mindfulness
So, what’s possible if race is acknowledged in our workplaces and society? We begin to practice color mindfulness which allows us to honor everyone’s full humanity, and:
Speak with confidence and respect which conveys importance, worth and inherent value.
See an important aspect of who each individual is, reflected in their history and what may be important to them.
Have empathy for life experiences and possible generational trauma related to race, culture, and identity.
Imagine if we started early in life, with our children, and created spaces where all feel honored and welcomed and comfortable in the skin they are in. This is where our understanding of differences begins.
One elementary school initiative that is starting to be this change is called, “Color Me Important”. This is a program started by Marnie Gray, an educator from a suburban community located north of Seattle, Washington. The community she resides in has limited racial diversity in student and staff populations. She saw a need for all students to be able to represent themselves authentically, creating the genesis of Color Me Important.
Marnie works locally to raise money to assemble kits for students with crayons, markers, construction paper, bandages, books, and classroom lessons that represent all skin colors. I would love to see the pictures created by students iin those classrooms - wouldn’t you? Check out this news report about the program for a glimpse.
This is where the mosaic of honoring all of humanity comes to life. What can you do to honor skin color differences in your workplaces, communities, and life?
One small act of really seeing someone is an act of love.
My Invitation to You
Did this stir something in your heart? I am always here to continue in conversation both personally and professionally. If you would like to learn more about how to bring the celebration of all skin colors into your home, school, workplace, church, or community center, then let’s connect and be the change together!
