"I'm Not a Therapist." No, You Are Not. You're a Leader.

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“I'm not a therapist!”

This is a response that we sometimes hear from managers who are new to idea of human-centered, Loving Leadership. Have you heard this before? Or maybe thought this yourself? 

To be sure, being caring and people-oriented does not mean being a therapist. No one is asking a manager or leader to do this, and none of us should try. That is not our role and would be inappropriate. 

Instead, managers and leaders engage with and optimize the experience and performance of people. And those people, all of us, have what you might think of as a Human Operating System (HOS) that is “programmed” with neural, biological, emotional, and social systems to respond to certain kinds of inputs in certain ways, to use a technical anaology. 

For people to be healthy and effective at work, leaders need to learn how to work with the HOS rather than ignore it or do damage. Just as a leader shouldn't abuse, neglect, and fail to maintain a multi-million dollar piece of equipment, they certainly shouldn't abuse, neglect and fail to care for the human beings working for them who are of infinite value! 

So we learn the value of getting to know people, providing appropriate resources, helping them learn and grow, listening so they feel heard, working through challenges, differences, and changes, supporting them with compassion if they face difficulties, listening, setting boundaries, celebrating and appreciating them. In short, the HOS works best when people feel valued, included, belonging and contribution. This relationship between leader and team member is its own unique kind of human relationship and distinct from therapist-client. 

Now, for someone who is clear about the importance of meeting people with a caring, authentic approach, hearing from a leader, “I'm not a therapist,” can honestly be a little frustrating, like encountering another barrier in the way of what's truly important. I've felt that way; maybe you have too.

But holding empathy for someone expressing this reveals possible fears and concerns that these individual might have. These are worthy of a caring response too. 

They may not be as confident in their people skills as they are in the technical or subject matter expertise. They may be uncertain if they can succeed and unsure if it is safe to admit that they don't know how to do this Loving Leadership thing. They deserve to feel safe about discussing this. They need to know there is support to learn practical skills, and coaching to develop them. 

They may be drowning in work and the reality of engaging people in this way may seem utterly overwhelming, even more so if the expectations are unclear and feel out of control. Addressing their workload to allow for capacity for their responsibilities leading people is a start. Couple that with clarifying expectations and setting practical boundaries. 

They may have different definitions of the language used based on culture, worldview, or experiences. Open discussions using alternate language and different metaphors can help. Even more important is to be explicit about behaviors of Loving Leaders rather than just inspirational concepts. 

And really, this is true for everyone, not just for those who appear resistant. While it is awesome to be enthused about the concept of being more loving and human, WE HAVE TO GET REAL AND ACTIONABLE about what Loving Leadership actually means and doesn't mean in practice. 

Then every one of our leaders can be confident of what it means to be a Loving Leader and will be comfortable that they are definitely not therapists. 

In the just released episode of the Love Lead Change podcast, this same issue is raised by our guest Jim Loter, Deputy CTO with the City of Seattle's IT Department. Check out the entire episode for a down to earth discussion of Loving Leadership practice from a seasoned and caring public servant. 

And if you want a tool and conversation to clarify the behaviors of a Loving Leader, reach out to me about our Loving Leader's Framework and Assessment Workshop. Leaders are finding it incredibly helpful to make love practical and sustainable.